Divorce – How to Live in the Present Moment

Divorce is tough, and for a lot of people it’s hard to let go of the past. Here’s a common question I receive from my clients: “My hardest challenge is staying in the now instead of the past and future.”

Staying in the now means being fully aware, conscious and dealing with what is happening to us right here, right now. Living in the moment is where our true joy and vitality exists. Like exercising a muscle that hasn’t been used much, with some discipline and tools you can make living in the present moment the rule, rather than the exception.

Human beings are very gifted at living in both the past and the future. Our ego-mind can take us back to the past, re-examining details of our lives and re-experiencing the feelings that happened. This is where we can get trapped in the “shoulda-woulda-coulda” internal dialogue.

We also are skilled at projecting into the future. We grind through “what if this happens, then what?” scenarios. When we live in the past or future, instead of creating our lives, we are simply reacting to our lives. It gets worse, though, because each time we hold these reactive thoughts, we solidify the neural connections within our brain that generate those experiences. It’s like we continue to lay down the track within our brain circuitry to a destination we really don’t want to be heading because it leaves us powerless and unhappy.

So how do you stay in the now instead of re-living the past or forecasting the future? The most important tool is to develop an awareness of your thoughts. With awareness, you start to be able to have choices rather than staying stuck in a default where you are reacting out of the past or future. When you notice yourself living in the past, stop and pause. You can even choose to give yourself a time limit and say “OK, I’ll give myself 5 more minutes to stew about this but then I am going to move on.”

Writing in a journal or speaking them out loud to yourself to break the trance. Expressing them can help drain these repetitive thoughts from your consciousness and leave you clearer to enjoy the present moment. Take some deep, belly breaths and bring your attention only to the movement and sound of your breath. This helps to quiet your mind. Discipline yourself to look just for the baby step in this moment. Don’t get sidetracked trying to plan 50 moves ahead of where you are right now. Meditation, taking time to sit quietly in nature or mindfulness practices like yoga can help give you experiences of being in the present. A great resource on this topic is Eckhardt Tolle’s The Power of Now.

Ethical Negotiations – What You Say and Don’t Say and Still Get Your Way

I’m a Christian so I thought an article on ethical negotiating tactics might be in order. When you talk about negotiating tactics, some people feel uncomfortable thinking about how to negotiate better, especially when they aren’t thinking in terms of ethical negotiations. Chances are, it’s because someone who knew these kind of tactics used them to take advantage of them or someone they knew, instead of using ethical negotiating tactics to create win-win accords and make all parties happy with the solution agreed upon. Either way, whether you want to know how to negotiate better or protect yourself from the unethical types among us…you’ll like reading this article on ethical negotiations.

31. Remember, addendums supersede the main agreement.

32. Negotiation tactic for big deals: Hire good attorneys and pay them what they are worth. Few know how to negotiate better than skilled attorneys.

33. Read George Ross’s (Donald Trump’s attorney, you might know him from the Apprentice early seasons) book, called Lessons of a Billionaire Investor .

34. Always leave the door open to counter-offers. Future circumstances bring new choices.

35. If you say you’ll call/email/respond at a certain time, do it. If you want to know how to negotiate better, learn how to communicate better.

36. “If this will cause you to lose sleep at night, I’d rather not do it. Is it going to be a problem?” Let people know it needs to work for them AND you, not just you.

37. Always create value. Create value. Create value. Put a value on it, describe it, make them want it, and give it to them. They don’t have to know it a. didn’t cost you anything or b. you didn’t want it in the first place or c. they would have gotten it anyway

38. Negotiation is a game. Why choose to be on the sidelines, when so little work is required to become a player? Now, if you want to be an all-star…

39. “What’s more important, X or Y?” Let them choose and hold them to it. Someone who uses ethical negotiation tactics expects the other person to do the same- but is prepared if they don’t.

40. Creative problem solving leads to big profits. Be a problem solver.

41. Become known as a businessperson whose word is their bond.

42. If they can’t or won’t, always ask “Why?”

43. “OK, I’ll give you your price, but you’ll have to meet my terms”. Tit for tat.

44. Remember, “every problem has a price tag” when you’re buying. If there’s a problem, quantify it, run the numbers and offer that much less.

45. Never say “Take it or leave it”. This is NOT a power play; in fact it is a sign of INSECURITY. Usually anyway, but it’s much better to say “never” than to list and explain in detail the few exceptions when this would be advisable in ethical negotiations.

Professors – Using Student-Driven Learning Methods – Strategic Use of Student Presentations

Students master and retain learning more effectively (than many other methods) when they present their work to others. Essentially all of us (no matter our age) can remember details of a school presentation we made long ago. Regardless of the discipline area, your students will likely benefit from making presentations also – that is, as long as you follow sound practices.

First, remember that the number one fear of adults is public speaking, so your students, regardless of whether they are 18-year-old freshmen or 68-year-old graduate students, are likely to need a fair amount of reassurance. One key form of the reassurance that will support them (but that many professors overlook) is providing students with an adequate overview of the assignment. When students don’t have the ‘big picture” they need, they are likely to make unfocused, disjointed presentations – which contribute to their feelings of inadequacy the next time around. Therefore, students should be provided – in writing and well in advance – the goals and objectives of the presentation, as well as a detailed scoring rubric.

In a large course or when building teamwork is an especially desirable goal, you might consider having students make presentations in a group setting, for example, as a member of a forum or panel discussion. Presenting to a small group is less frightening than presenting to a large group, particularly if the chosen subset of the class has been working together on various projects through the semester.

If yours is an introductory course and/or students voice considerable anxiety, provide individual coaching or model presentation skills, showing students how to gain viewers’ attention, use visual aids, form a powerful conclusion, and so on. You can also have a student with a proven track record in another professor’s class demonstrate effective presentation skills. Videos (off or on-line) on how to develop an excellent presentation are another possibility. A final, but far less desirable, option is to deliver a full presentation yourself, emphasizing in advance the key techniques students should look for. Some students are likely to have difficulty separating such a presentation from regular lecture or demonstration, while others might view such a presentation as *the* model and work so hard to duplicate it that they appear unnatural. Note: This is, of course, assuming that you are a model presenter.

Viewers and speakers can derive full value from presentations only when feedback is plentiful, objective, and consistent. We recommend allowing viewers to contribute to the evaluation of their peers. One frequently used method is to give viewers index cards on which they are asked to do a “three by three”; that is, they are to write down three strong points and three suggested improvements for each presentation. These are turned in at the end of the presentation and then attached to the evaluation form completed by the instructor.

The student who makes the presentation is not the only one who is learning. Therefore, you should measure the learning that occurs among the audience. This helps to indicate to the student presenters that the effectiveness of their efforts matters – not only to them but to their classmates. It is sometimes worthwhile to base at least a portion of the presenter’s grade on how much the other students learned. Remember, what gets measured gets done, and students value those measurements (i.e., grades) highly.

Deliver specific praise for student presentations in public, and give constructive criticism in private. This way of delivering feedback is part of creating a supportive environment. Keep in mind that such an environment increases students’ retention of the material that they have already presented, as well as what they have heard their fellow students present. It also contributes to the enhancement of student efficacy and self-esteem.

Finally, remember that nearly any good idea can be overdone. Unless yours is a public speaking course, resist the increasingly common tendency, especially in graduate courses, to have students learn the majority of the course content through various types of presentations. Consumer-oriented students are likely to perceive that such an arrangement denies them access to the expertise of a professor for whom they invested considerable financial resources.